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Ever have one of those days when you feel like nothing? You wake up questioning every life decision you've ever made and feel like you took a wrong turn somewhere? That's pretty much every day for me lately, and it has been a struggle.
I have tape recordings in my head of a former boyfriend who broke up with me because he thought if we married, we would have fat children because his parents were overweight and my mother is overweight. I was a size 6 when I was dating him, and after he said that to me, I broke it off and gained a ton of weight immediately.
At that point in my life (eighteen years ago), I felt like no matter how hard I tried, no one really saw me, so I stopped trying. Today, I am at my all-time highest weight.
(For the record, aside from the fact that his eyebrows were out of control and he wasn't very good looking then, now he IS fat and I heard he is diabetic and lost part of his foot. I'm not celebrating his demise, but I will say that he had it coming for being a pretentious ass. And, his kid is fat, so...) That was twenty years ago and I wasn't in love with him, we just dated for a little while. So why did I let that loser get into my head like that?
This morning...
I woke up today on day 6 of Jenny Craig and all I want to do is eat a pizza and drink a Coca-Cola. I will refuse, because this is the first step to reclaiming my life. There are so many life events that overweight people skip because of fear. I am tired of feeling afraid and not good enough and missing out on my life.
I am down five pounds, but the "fat girl" part of me is so tempted to curl up in the corner with my drug of choice, Coca-Cola, and drown my sorrows with a pizza. Fat girl needs to go- get thee behind me, fat girl!
The things that people said to me in the past are just that- past. I know that none of those things are true. I know that my self-worth doesn't have to be rolled up into an image of perfection that I have never achieved- even at my best. I know that when I was a size six I was hot, smoking hot. I didn't realize it then, but when I get there this time, I will know it and I will feel good in my own skin.
Why do we let losers get into our heads? I am married to the cutest boy in the world! He loved me when I was a size 10/ 12 and thought I was smoking hot then. He thinks I am beautiful now (at least he says he does), and regardless of the size of my ass, he picked me and I picked him, and we have ridden out the storms of life together- from a size 10 to a size 18. He has never even met skinny Holly; she really might be too much for him.
Why am I telling you all of this?
Because I know that I am not alone. As women, there is an expectation that we look a certain way, behave a certain way, and maintain standards that make us "acceptable" in the eyes of the world. Okay, so it isn't like this in New York City, but it is in Birmingham, Alabama. It may not be this way in Big Sur, but it is in Huntsville, Texas. As a society, we treat fat people differently, it's true. I do it. I have reverse of anorexia- I look in the mirror and see a thin person- so it snuck up on me, it really did.
Even though I am in the same boat as thousands of other Americans who are victims of working too many hours and eating too much fast and pre-packaged food, I still look at overweight people and assume that they are lazy or too weak to get their crap together. Since I have the same struggles, I can say that, can't I? But doesn't that make me weak and lazy? Truth is, I have been. I have allowed other people into my head (weak) and just given up on the downstairs sofa and skipped the gym and opted instead for a Crown binge on Netflix (lazy).
Accomplishments mean nothing when you feel like a cow.
I have a list of accomplishments as long as my arm, certificates and letters after my name, but none of that stuff matters to me. I am not easily impressed by those accomplishments in my life as much as I would be wearing a size 6, having perfect hair, and feeling good in my skin. Why? Because even though I fought to achieve all of those other things in my life, they weren't as difficult for me as maintaining a healthy weight. Weight is my one major struggle and it is rooted in so many emotional hang-ups.
Many people who are overweight/ morbidly obese and "happy in their own skin" (aka liars), will say that I have my priorities out of order, but being healthy and feeling beautiful makes you feel better in your own skin. What is inside of my soul matters, but overweight people often don't get the opportunity to speak their truth because a better looking person is allowed the opportunity to speak up first. It sucks, but it is human nature. And before you get started, Millennials, just slow your roll with your kumbaya and let's just be real, okay?
So, if you are in the same boat that I am, don't give up!
When I imagine the people in my life who have told me for whatever reason that I wouldn't make it- whether it was lose the weight, get my builder's license, or whatever else it is that I want to do, I imagine them blowing up like a gigantic hot air balloon and just floating away so far that once they hit the atmosphere, and I will never have to hear their whiney, nagging voices again. And so, as I struggle through Day 6 and try not to break every dish in my house, I think about John Wayne. He was an ardent supporter of women in Hollywood and beyond.
On several occasions, it was recorded that John Wayne sent this message to female friends:
"Don't let the bastards get you down."
Good luck to everyone as you start your week tomorrow.
Love,
Holly
