10 Things My 87 Year Old Grandmother Might Tell The Donald

10 Things My 87 Year Old Grandmother Might Tell The Donald (that he needs to hear)...

It sounded like a freight train!

1.  Being rich doesn't necessarily make you smart, it just means you got lucky and have surrounded yourself with other smart people.  It probably didn't help that your Dad loaned you a few million to get rolling. All of that said, I respect your work ethic and what you have accomplished, but tell me what you know about Foreign policy without being a name-dropper.

2.  Son, no one is going to take you seriously until you do something with that hair.  It looks like a tornado got aholt of you.  Don't you know that looking good is 90% of everything? How can you run a beauty pageant and have hair like that?

3.  Having a trophy wife is difficult to overcome, I know, I was perceived to be one.  People are always judging you and her and they will be wondering if she is smart enough or elegant enough to be the first lady. She married you and your 10 billion, so she can't be too dumb. I'd vote for her for sure, you, I'm not sure about yet.

4.  Why do you look so mad all of the time?  Are you having problems with your bowels? Raisin Bran works wonders for me.  Are you just always angry?  You look angry.  They make a pill for seniors that you can take a night to help you sleep, it might be just the ticket.

5.  You can never win a fight with someone who won't shut up- take Megyn Kelly for example. She can rail on you all day long, so just shut your mouth about it and she won't have more negative things to say about you or her cycle.  If you don't have a period or have never had one, you have no business commenting on menstrual cycles or reproductive issues. 

6.  I noticed that when they asked all of the other candidates about their faith that you weren't asked to comment.  I read up that you are Presbyterian, they are nice folks.  You should talk more about your faith if you want the Southern vote.  And, you have a Jewish daughter, that's wonderful.  The nicest boss I ever had was an old Jewish man, he and his family were always very kind to me.

7.  Instead of campaign messages that last 60 seconds, why don't you just run a picture of your daughter opposed to Hillary's daughter for 10 seconds.  No one wants to look at poor little Chelsea for four more years.  Your kids are beautiful, use them to your advantage.

8.  Be nice, just be nice.  Bragging on your wealth, and your achievements is redundant.  We all know how successful you've become, don't tell us again.  Tell us how you plan to fix this messed up hell hole of a country we are living in and how you are going to get our boys out of harms' way from places we shouldn't be in to begin with.

9.  Tell me what you are going to do when you get to Washington and get the Jimmy Carter treatment because no one likes you.

10.  The job you are applying for affects a lot of lives.  Make sure that you have your heart right and that you are doing this for the right reasons- that you are humble and sincere.  That's what people want to see along with strength- humble sincerity.  If you need a new campaign manager, I've still got some zip left in my step and I have seen every episode of Bonanza at least fifteen times, so I could be available and I might have a few strategies of how to invade a ranch or two if needed.