Like a Dandelion blowing in the wind...

"The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind, the answer is blowing in the wind." - Dylan

I have tons of friends who are military wives and I have always wondered how they maintain their composure, manage moving constantly, and end up raising well-adjusted children. 

 I am trying to adjust to this gypsy lifestyle that we are living, but it isn't easy.  I am thankful that my husband has a great job and that we have opportunities to travel and see things that a lot of people may never see. I am more thankful that our children are grown and on their own.  At the same time, I am exhausted.  I never know where I have toothpaste.  I can't tell you where my favorite bra is.  I have no idea where my winter clothes are or if I even have any left.  I may have taken them to Goodwill when we moved to Florida.  There are bags of unpacked clothes in my car that I live out of, and I'm almost afraid to take them out, not knowing where I may be tomorrow.

I feel like a Dandelion that has been blown into the wind and the different pieces of me are scattered all over the place.  I don't feel whole anymore and I don't feel like I have a home or a home base, even though I have two places to live.

When we end up in a new place, I don't want to make friends or get involved in a local church or other groups, because I know that I won't be there long.  Instead of looking at it as an adventure, it pisses me off and makes me so mad that this is our life. I question every decision that we've made up to this point and how stupid they all were.  It makes it very difficult to put down shallow roots, knowing that they are going to be yanked up and, like a dandelion,  my sanity is about to be blown all over the place.

I should be thankful and  embrace these changes with reckless abandon, but for a girl who never really had any roots or a stable place to call home, it is difficult to walk away from the only roots I have ever known.  I've had the same home and lived in the same community since 1998. Those of you who know me, know how much I hate the busy bodies in this neighborhood and how I feel like I live in a three story trailer, and how this house just basically is the worst floor plan in the history of the world.  But, it's home, and  it's the only home I've ever known.  I miss my friends.  I miss knowing what is going on in my city.  I am homesick.

My husband's job has him working 14-16 hour days, plus travel time, so I never see him.  It was really pointless to move all of our crap to an apartment where he is so that we could pass one another in the hall.  I'm lonely and sad - and that just isn't like me.

I have an interview for a job that I really don't want, just to be around other people so that I don't go slap crazy.  I feel like one of those commercials when they say "Do you feel helpless?  Do you feel hopeless?  Do you feel like you life has no meaning?"  Yes, but not because of depression, because of the stupid choices I have made in my life (which all seemed brilliant at the time)- and maybe that can be depressing if you think about it.  

My husband and I can't seem to get on the same page regarding where we want to live forever one day.  As cute as the place is that I have fixed for us in Virginia- and I love it there, I really do- I could just sleep my life away right here in Birmingham eating snickers bars and watching old movies, while feeling sorry for myself.  I need to be finishing my manuscript and not totally blowing every chance that I have at selling my books- and right now, I don't even care.  I just want to sleep for a week with the air on 56 degrees under a pile of blankets.

Today is  new day.  I'm going to color my roots, see if I can find some makeup, because I lost mine in the move.  I'm going to haul off things that I am sick of looking at here, and head to Richmond for a job interview and hope for the best.  Then, in a week, I will board a plane on a one-way flight to Pensacola to welcome my new Granddaughter into this world. I hope and pray and believe that she will be healthy and will like to snuggle, because I need some sweet baby sugar!

Love y'all,

Holly