These are condoms, Dad. Please use them.

Holidays that celebrate parents are rough for me as I don't really know my father, who was absent most of my life, and I don't speak to my mother for reasons that could incite a screen play that would rival the dysfunction in  August: Osage County.

Where are the Hallmark cards for people like me?  I know that I'm not the ONLY one who feels obligated to send a card on these holidays, but can't wrap my head around the sugar coated lies that are printed within these sappy cards. I wish that Hallmark or American Greetings or some company out there would invent an entirely new category of cards for those of us with parents like mine.

Where are the Father's day cards that say...

"Dear Dad, Thanks for knocking mom up and leaving.  You not being a part of my life was the best thing you could have ever done for me."

or

"Dear Dad, Thanks for having no idea as to what month of the year that I was born or how old I am."

or

"Dear _______(insert first name, because you would never call him Dad), I have spent my entire life trying not to be like you.  Thanks for the example of what not to do."

or

"Dear Dad, I always wanted a brother or sister.  Thanks for giving me a new baby brother when I turned forty!"

Since they don't have any of these Father's Day cards on the shelves at my local Hallmark, I had to improvise this year.  It seems that every four to six years a new brother or sister shows up, courtesy of my father. For years, I knew that I had two sisters, each of us with different mothers, and then, the boys started popping up like weeds growing in a garden- one from a marriage, one who was adopted, and one that I dare not mention.  Out of the three brothers, the first two are keepers and the third is definitely our father's son.

It's getting old. I'm getting old. I would like to go ahead and state for the record that my sisters and I will be accepting no new sibling applications.  The last one we found is a train wreck that I wish I had never met  (Don't judge me, you have no idea).  Our roster is full! Hopefully, the surprise bastard soap opera ends this year.  I'm giving the gift that will stop the gifts that keep on giving by giving my father condoms for Father's Day. I will also be sending him directions on how to use them.  If he can stay sober long enough to use them, we might solve this problem once and for all. He's 67, so it is definitely time for him to slow down a little, one could hope.  Who does he think he is, Tony Randall?

I just got in from the Hallmark store, the best I could do was a card with a beer on the front.
Inside it reads:

"I don't want to be the only one at the nursing home with a brand new baby brother.  These are condoms Dad, use them."  I taped three condoms inside.

And...I just mailed it today.  I don't think it would be appropriate to send it on time.  A Tuesday arrival will be just fine.

Happy Father's Day Week, Y'all!
Good, bad, or ugly, call your Dad and tell him thanks for being such a good Dad or maybe just thanks for the DNA.